yesterday's feelings

I remember the time when I realized that my feeling for her is not simple infatuation but love. It was the first time I felt such emotion in my life. I never experienced it before and I always thought that I would be spared from its burning fire. I thought wrong.

When she found out that I had a crush on her, I said that I would find a new crush and replace her. This was what I usually did back in my elementary days. But I found out that I could not replace her. I could not find anyone better than her.

Do you know instances when somebody does things just for the sake of love? Well, I went through that. I texted her every night, took her side during conversations, and other things just to impress her or get noticed. I even planned some surprises for her. During her birthday, I slipped my gift into her locker so that she would be surprised, enclosed with my present is a letter with a post script saying, “bawat araw mas lalo kang gumaganda.”

Then, it seemed very romantic to me but when I think of it today, I would always smile and laugh inside and tell myself, “You really did that shit?”

But there came a time when I just knew I had no hope. She would not love me. I did not think she even liked my presence. She would never be mine. So I moved on and had a crush on my girl best friend. Or so I thought.

Eventually, my crush on my best friend wore off. And my feelings for her came back. I think that I only had a crush on my best friend because I wanted to forget my feelings for her. Unfortunately, it did not work. Her face still appeared in my mind. My heart still beat faster every time I was with her. I still stole glances of her.

But I have to forget her, or at least my feelings for her. I could never have her. I did not deserve such person. But how could I forget my feelings for her? What should I do?

Idea struck me from two different sources, or in my case, songs. One of my favorite songs at that time is Anthem of our Dying Day by Story of The Year. I liked the message of the song. The other song is It Ends Tonight by The All American Rejects. I could not believe that this song perfectly represents my past, present, and future. The first few lines tell about my beginnings - the past, while a few other lines tell about my situation at that time - the present, while the chorus is what I should have done or what I could have done to forget my feelings for her – the future.

Still, I did not manage to gather the courage to tell her that I did not like her anymore so I chose an alternative procedure. I racked my brains to find reasons to hate her. There I learned the key to forgetting someone. To hate is to forget.

Even though I managed to suppress my feelings, I did not have any guarantee that I did not love her anymore. Even though it was already summer, I was still troubled by my affections for her. Some thoughts told me that I still loved her, but my mind believed I did not.

Then came a time when we were texting each other. I found the opportunity to tell her what I really felt. I asked her first whether she knows the song It Ends Tonight. Then after I told what it meant to me, she asked to whom the song is dedicated to. I told her that it is for her, and that I did not love her anymore.

Surprisingly, this year, we are still classmates. But even if we are classmates, I view her only as a friend. I finally expressed my locked feelings for her and this helped me to let go. I also realized that it is better to be a friend than to be a lover. It is better not to expect for more, instead, be contented to the things you can only achieve.

I finally moved on. I have finally forgotten the affection I used to have. Yesterday’s feelings will never trouble me again. For I already said what I wanted to say to her.

Or have I?