revelation

ei guys,,, tinatamad akong magpost kaya ito na lang ang ipopost ko.
ito ung personal essay ko para sa journ....


It was a cool Monday morning. The sun’s radiant heat blanketed the ground as I went to my classmates. That day was our NCAE mock test. We were going to have an early dismissal. After dismissal, I was going to play Dota for as long as four hours. It was a perfect day. Or so it seemed.

Walking towards my classmates with a grin, I told them that I wanted to play DOTA for four hours. They agreed. It was settled.

We exchanged stories. My classmate and I told Firestar what happened when they were at our schoolmate’s house during their overnight. Nothing of much importance, it was generally all about DOTA. Also, we told him what we did when we went to Market-Market.

It was Firestar’s turn. He told us what he and Ares did during the overnight. It was fun hearing their stories about scaring our other classmates, their trip and the many other things not fit to be mentioned. They were all interesting until he mentioned something about her.

Suddenly, I received a hard blow. What seemed to be a cloudless sky darkens. Thoughts rushed, emotions jumbled, I stood. My soul, petrified. I knew this is going to happen. I just knew it. Mixed feelings surged through me. I felt so confused, so lost.

I felt upset at that moment. But the reason was uncertain. If you knew the story and my history, you would certainly think of only one reason. But to me, well, it is different. I did not know whether I was upset because he was telling a thing that should not be told, or was it because I lost the opportunity and Firestar accidentally took it.

That troubling revelation never left me. It stuck in my brain during the test. Every now and then, the conversation repeated itself and the same feelings surged through me. I could not concentrate on the test. Luckily, I finished the test.

After dismissal, we left to play DOTA. That game is the best damn thing I have played so far. That was supposed to make me feel better, but what the hell happened? We lost! Tempers flared from my allies as I did stupid things. I will not make excuses on this one. I admit. I am the reason we lost.

Then, we finally left. As we were walking towards the jeepney terminal, I asked Firestar to recount his experience again. His story was detailed from the start to the end. Even to the small details, he told us with accuracy. Pictures appeared in my mind. How I envied him.

As I lie in my bed staring at the ever present darkness of my room, I began to sort out my thoughts. It has been a long time since my mind has been troubled. The last time my thoughts confused me was when I was in third year, and what a coincidence, it was also because of her.

Today, I talked to her, once. It seemed like nothing happened. She just talked and smiled happily. But behind that jolly conversation, I saw a different side. A person in deep thought, she stared lamenting at emptiness. Whether it was because of the incident or the upcoming long test at Math, I did not know. I did not want to care.

The test was finally over. Our class went to the physics room. As the teacher talked and talked about things that have no importance, I caught glimpses of her. It was not done on purpose. My attention simply turned to her.

It was so unusual of her. She was so quiet. She occasionally talked to her friend but not with the same vibrant aura she usually has. Her voice, so weak, showed something had changed. I sensed her sadness, her sorrow. Then, I felt pity.

How ironic. I felt anger; I felt hatred, then pity? Why pity her? Do I not hate her? Why did pity grip me?

Tonight, I finally thought of the reason. It was not her fault, neither was it Firestar’s. I can not put anyone at fault of what have happened. It was an accident.

Still, there is a question left unanswered. Why am I upset? Is it because of desecration or envy?

I am not yet ready to answer this question.

yesterday's feelings

I remember the time when I realized that my feeling for her is not simple infatuation but love. It was the first time I felt such emotion in my life. I never experienced it before and I always thought that I would be spared from its burning fire. I thought wrong.

When she found out that I had a crush on her, I said that I would find a new crush and replace her. This was what I usually did back in my elementary days. But I found out that I could not replace her. I could not find anyone better than her.

Do you know instances when somebody does things just for the sake of love? Well, I went through that. I texted her every night, took her side during conversations, and other things just to impress her or get noticed. I even planned some surprises for her. During her birthday, I slipped my gift into her locker so that she would be surprised, enclosed with my present is a letter with a post script saying, “bawat araw mas lalo kang gumaganda.”

Then, it seemed very romantic to me but when I think of it today, I would always smile and laugh inside and tell myself, “You really did that shit?”

But there came a time when I just knew I had no hope. She would not love me. I did not think she even liked my presence. She would never be mine. So I moved on and had a crush on my girl best friend. Or so I thought.

Eventually, my crush on my best friend wore off. And my feelings for her came back. I think that I only had a crush on my best friend because I wanted to forget my feelings for her. Unfortunately, it did not work. Her face still appeared in my mind. My heart still beat faster every time I was with her. I still stole glances of her.

But I have to forget her, or at least my feelings for her. I could never have her. I did not deserve such person. But how could I forget my feelings for her? What should I do?

Idea struck me from two different sources, or in my case, songs. One of my favorite songs at that time is Anthem of our Dying Day by Story of The Year. I liked the message of the song. The other song is It Ends Tonight by The All American Rejects. I could not believe that this song perfectly represents my past, present, and future. The first few lines tell about my beginnings - the past, while a few other lines tell about my situation at that time - the present, while the chorus is what I should have done or what I could have done to forget my feelings for her – the future.

Still, I did not manage to gather the courage to tell her that I did not like her anymore so I chose an alternative procedure. I racked my brains to find reasons to hate her. There I learned the key to forgetting someone. To hate is to forget.

Even though I managed to suppress my feelings, I did not have any guarantee that I did not love her anymore. Even though it was already summer, I was still troubled by my affections for her. Some thoughts told me that I still loved her, but my mind believed I did not.

Then came a time when we were texting each other. I found the opportunity to tell her what I really felt. I asked her first whether she knows the song It Ends Tonight. Then after I told what it meant to me, she asked to whom the song is dedicated to. I told her that it is for her, and that I did not love her anymore.

Surprisingly, this year, we are still classmates. But even if we are classmates, I view her only as a friend. I finally expressed my locked feelings for her and this helped me to let go. I also realized that it is better to be a friend than to be a lover. It is better not to expect for more, instead, be contented to the things you can only achieve.

I finally moved on. I have finally forgotten the affection I used to have. Yesterday’s feelings will never trouble me again. For I already said what I wanted to say to her.

Or have I?

arms race

firdt time ko ma mag blog so don't judge too hard kung pangit ako mga pinopost ko.

arms race.....

I'm watching national geographic channel when i came acroos the term. predators and preys are locked in an arms race. As the predator becomes faster, the prey counters, whether they become faster ar any self defense you can think of.

well, i chose arms race because our batch is also locked in an arms race.

I'm talking about the author/s of astigbatch and the rest. the author/s are becoming more aggresive and fears nobody. He/She/They will degrade anybody they want.

the rest of the batch counters with a man hunt, counter blogs, and a lot of cursing....

I think no one will succeed. As the other side gets stronger, so as the other.

this morning, I learned that the author posted a blind item that includes me. I can't help but pity those who made it. If the whole batch learned their true identities, well, i can't even put it into words what will happen to them.

i think that's enough for one night......